This piece first appeared on HG March 20, 2013
The Kardashians Want Their Vaginas to Smell Like WHAT?!
Hey, ladies! Do your nailbeds suck? Is your hairline so weird? Can you not wear halters because of your man-shoulders? The Kardashians have something else to add to your list of inadequate body things: your vagine doesn’t smell like a pineapple! How can it not smell like a pineapple? What are you, a farmer?
If you haven’t been keeping up with the Kardashians (zing!), you missed out on their sacred quest for the holy grail of scenting their southern hemisphere: drinking pineapple juice until you burn an acid hole in your stomach and pee solid sugar cubes. But hey, apparently it made their juicebox smell scrumptious! The day is saved!
Kim and Kourtney went on a pineapple juice binge in an effort to internally perfume their Little Kardashians, after which Khloe had to decide whose lady pelt-infused towel smelled better (not sure if they peed on the towels or just rubbed their shetland ponies all over them – I’m sure they have some kind of high-tech system worked out). You know your sister loves you when she’s willing to smell your vagina towels just so you’ll shut up and leave her alone already.
So there you have it, ladies. Please add to your list of things you must fix about your disgusting selves that your vagina should not smell like an actual vagina, but a tropical orchard of peeing acidic fire. After all, your partner did not sign up to gnaw on some biologically sound piece of coochery that tastes like person! They deserve artificial flavors and coloring! If your el chilito doesn’t taste like Skittles, don’t even bother going home!
The big question on everyone’s mind (the U.N. Security Council needs answers!) is whether this goes both ways in Chez Kardashian. Is Kanye rocking ten gallons of strawberry smoothies a day? Does he wade through a pool of Old Spice on his way to the bedroom? Should he be drinking the Old Spice? Does Old Spice curdle in pineapple juice?
Ladies, let’s be honest. Our chicken coops don’t need to be as high maintenance as we’re made to believe. We don’t need to wax our playa bare. Our baby fro doesn’t need to be landscaped into a chia pet (though it’s fun, amirite?). And we certainly don’t need our Hufflepuff to smell like an edible arrangement. It’s nice to be considerate of your partner, but you can’t be expected to make fruit salad out of a deli platter. That’s not how biology works unless you live in Sweet Valley High: the Sci-Fi Years.
Listen, far be it from me to tell you what to do with your field of dreams, but do it for yourself, not because you think you have to. And if you do decide to remodel your root cellar, make it a group activity and get your partner involved to balance out the fun — after all, you’re a team!